Texto de Carlos A. Ramina e Silva

Is very hot in here. And the dawn is delaying. It must be very soon because the lights don’t` come through the window. I cannot even see the window. I don`t remember so dark a night as this. And the smell of flowers is so queasy. How many times I must tell the charwoman not to put so many flowers in my room. I`m allergic to lilies and roses. But she always insists. She is always doing just what she wants as if she didn´t listen, as if I were just an old guy that doens`t have importance any more. I think I`ll fire her today. Is it today that she`ll come? Yes, she always comes on Mondays and Thursdays. But, if yesterday it was Wednesday, it was not her that put those plants in my room, since it is not her day of work. But who, then? Strange, very strange….

Anyway, she doesn`t respect me any more. Since I became a widower and started living alone, there is nobody to give orders in my house. She always does whatever she wants. And I don`t have patience to look after what she is doing. She is free in her work and each day becomes more nonchalant and ruder. Sometimes she doesn`t even answer when I ask for something. And the ironing and cleaning is becoming careless. Yes, I´ll fire her today, immediately, just as when she arrives.

This nauseating smell of flowers and the heat are unbearable. I´ll have to get up and go open the window. The problem is that I cannot move. It happens every morning. I don`t wake up as a whole. But little by little. First only my brain, and my thoughts start divagating without really knowing where I am. My body, for a while remain paralyzed as if it would like to sleep a little more. And it doesn`t obey the orders from the brain to move immediately. First I manage to move my eyes, Then, little by little. my fingers, my hands, my toes, my legs and so on. I use to recover my movements very slowly, little by little. The first time it happened I was frightened. I didn`t feel my body. I thought that I was paralyzed , that never more I would recover my movements. Then, half an hour later, everything was okay. It happened later, several times, and I got used to that. I know that, relaxing and not getting frightened, this sensation. goes away. It is a matter of just having patience and waiting for some minutes. No reason to be scared. Just relax. I know that, soon, I`m going to feel cramps in my fingers, the muscles will start contracting. That is the beginning of the recovery. Then it will me a matter of some minutes and everything will be okay. I`m beginning to feel my fingers.

The breathing is so difficult. I cannot see the moment I will open the window and get a big breath of fresh air. Freshness and air, and to be free from this stinking smell of roses, that`s all I need. I know that, in a few moments this nightmare will be over. Let me relax and wait.

Thank God I`m starting to move my hands and arms. Let me stretch them. Strange. I didn`t know that my bed was so near the wall at my left… it used to be in the middle of the room…weird… is so soft when I touch it… It seems to be made of velvet and wood, not brick… I think I didn`t wake up entirely yet, that I am not in the middle of the room but in the middle of a frightening dream. I think I am wandering. That must be the result of the palsy that grips me every morning. I think I will have to see the doctor. This cannot go on like this. My medicine for catalepsy is due and I should have gone to see him last week. No problem. Now I can feel my arms and legs completely, thank Heaven. This cramps in the beginning is normal, so the doctor said. Let me elongate.

That`s peculiar. It seems that there`s a wall at the end of the bed, A soft wall, made of velvet, so it seems by what I feel with my feet and… now I perceive that I am with my shoes on. Did I forget to take them off? And I`m with my suit too! And tie!! Gosh! I`m becoming so absent minded… And how did I come to stay at the corner of the room? May be I am a sleepwalker and didn`t know until now. I think my schizophrenia is worsening. Well. Crunch time. Time for getting up. Oddly I cannot go through the left side because, for some reason that I cannot understand yet, I ended up at this side of the room. Okay, No problem. I`ll get up through the right side. Oops! There is a wall here also. Fluffy too. But, whoops! The ceiling is very near me, so near I cannot get up!! And this heat, the sickening smell of rotten flowers, the lack of air, Oh No! this is a coffin!!! I was buried alive !!!!